Welsh forever!

Welsh forever!
Apparently there has been yet another call by an English ‘celebrity’ for the Welsh language to be made illegal. Nothing racist or fascist there, then! And obviously, the world has no other, more pressing problems to deal with…
But leaving aside – well any kind of common sense – if the Welsh language was to be done away with, how would this be achieved. It’s not that difficult, surely – after all, only a few people speak Welsh as a first language, and all of them can speak English, right?
So, first of all, you’d have to deal with the hundreds of thousands of people who speak Welsh. They’re not all in Wales, mind. Some of them, like myself in the 1990’s, slipped out of the country and lived elsewhere. So you’d have to round up all the Welsh speakers in England and other parts of the world. Don’t forget the Patagonian Welsh-speakers – ok, Patagonia’s in Argentina, but I’m sure it wouldn’t take too much to persuade them into an act of genocide. It’s only another few tens of thousands. So round up all the Welsh speakers and stop them jibber-jabbering in that infernal language. It wouldn’t be necessary to kill them all – just mutilate their faces so they can no longer speak. No big deal.
But Welsh isn’t just a spoken language. It’s existed in written form for over 1500 years, and now it exists in library databases, and on the internet. So, all you’d need to do is employ a hell of a lot of people to search out and destroy all written Welsh. With all the moaning about unemployment these days, there’s bound to be plenty of people available – with the Workfare scheme you wouldn’t even need to pay them. So, a few months or years of work, and written Welsh has disappeared.
Except, of course, some Welsh is literally written in stone. Never mind, once they’ve burnt all the books and deleted all the on-line records, give those lazy scroungers a hammer and chisel and send them out to deface historic and cultural monuments. What’s that? Your grandparent’s gravestone is in Welsh? Tough. It’s an obsolete language. We’ll just print out the same info in English, put it in a poly pocket and sellotape it to the headstone. Same with all the other Welsh monuments – it’s not as if anyone cares anyway.
Since the introduction of the Welsh Language act – and in many cases before then – all signage in Wales should legally be in English and Welsh. This is obviously a calculated affront to certain people, so we’ll just have to repaint all the signs in English only. And reprint all those bilingual documents – including passports (check yours if it’s an EU one – there’ll be Welsh in it) and driving licences, TV licences, etc, etc. And, while we’re repainting all the road signs, we may as well rename all those places which are obviously Welsh. All those Llan, Aber, Caer, Pont prefixes will be replaced be the appropriate English suffix. Brynhyfryd will be renamed Mount Pleasant – if there’s already a Mount Pleasant in the same town (why do the Welsh need so many mountains?) then Brynhyfryd will have to become Mount Even More Pleasant. This shouldn’t just apply to Welsh place names – after 1500 years of Anglo-Saxon habitation, it’s about time places such as Dover, Cumbria and Avon were given proper English place names. Water, Where-the-Welsh-used-to-live and River are obviously superior – well, they’re English, of course they are.
Anyone foolish enough to have given their child a Welsh name should be fined heavily and made to rename their child with something properly English, like Brooklyn, Jordan or Princess. All Joneses and Evanses should be shot, no questions asked.
And, just to make sure that the horror of the Welsh language is permanently removed from human experience, any English word of Welsh origin should be expunged from the language, and even accidental use should be punished with crucifixion. Harsh? But think of the crime! No more Penguins, Corgis, crags or coombs. No car, cart, or even carrying. No crockery. And don’t think of calling your father ‘dad’, unless you want to experience iron through your palms.
Of course, there is another option. Maybe, instead of frothing at the mouth at the existence of this wonderful language, which has survived despite 1500 years in close proximity to history’s most aggressive colonisers, we could just accept that Welsh is still spoken, and, due to the internet, will continue to exist long after the last stone inscription has been worn away.
Cymraeg am byth!